Author: kroset

This month my parents will be moving from my childhood hometown, Erie, PA and will relocate to Cincinnati to be closer to my brother’s family. Naturally this brings up a lot of sadness for me for a variety of reasons.

First and foremost, I will be losing my connection to my hometown and state. Once my parents leave town there will be no other compelling reason for me to go back at that point. Although I have family in a nearby town in New York state only an hour and a half away, my parents not being in Erie eliminates the need to visit Pennsylvania – there are simply too many other places to see in this world. If and when I return there someday (perhaps for nostalgia purposes) I know it just won’t be the same without Mom and Dad there.

Secondly, it will be harder to maintain regular face-to-face visits with my son’s birthparents and my extended family in New York state. Once Mom and Dad leave Pennsylvania, visiting my extended relatives in New York also will lessen as will visiting with my son’s birthparents who live near their same town. As much as I love my cousins and aunts and uncles in New York and my son’s birthparents, visiting them will not take precedent over visiting my own parents, brother and sister who live in other states and Scott and I are both really saddened by this. We know we have been so fortunate to have been able to form such strong connections with both my extended family and our son’s birthparents for as long as we have. It will be interesting to see how we manage keeping in touch with our New York family going forward. I’m hopeful that technology such as Facetime or Skype will be able to make this transition a little less painful.

Finally, I’m saddened by the underlying reason as to why my parents chose to give up their home. My parents are well aware that the next phase of their lives (they are in their 70’s) is going to involve them needing a lot more help from family which wasn’t going to happen in Pennsylvania since their three children are spread out all around the country. I am saddened that this move required them to give up their home and leave town in order to do this but I’m also so proud of them for being proactive in their lives and making this change while they are still healthy and able to create new lives for themselves in their new location. They have the foresight to plan ahead when so many others wait for tragedy to happen to dictate a move. This doesn’t make the reality of the situation any easier for me though which is basically this: my parents, like all of us, are getting older and one day in the not too distant future they aren’t going to be here. My heart aches when I think about that.

Top things I will miss about Erie, PA:

• Going to Presque Isle (the beaches, bike paths and the hiking trails. I spent so much time there growing up.)
• Seeing big snow (Nothing beats a snow day at Mom and Dad’s house!)
• Canoeing in the lagoons near the boat rental on Presque Isle (I learned to canoe properly doing the J-stroke while working at the boat rental in my high school years. It is so peaceful in the lagoons. I love it there.)
• Being able to windsurf and sail on Lake Erie and watching the sunsets over the lake
• Flying in and out of the Erie airport on a propeller plane (I loved flying in and out of Erie because it was so convenient and personable. My sister and I were once paged by name to hurry up and get on the plane before it took off! Only in a small town – in a big city they just leave you. Will I ever fly in a propeller plane again?)
• Eating Macintosh apples from a local cider mill (Dad, remember flying into California with a luggage full of apples from Erie and you somehow managed to bypass California’s agricultural inspection station?!)
• Witnessing the leaves changing in the fall time – so beautiful! (Especially the sea of yellow leaves in the back of my parent’s house.)
• Cruising the public dock and seeing the Flagship Niagara docked near by
• Going to the Erie zoo (I have many fond memories of going there as a child and hearing the lion roar from our house, which wasn’t far away.)
• Being able to drive to different states easily which isn’t possible from where we live in California (especially visiting the cities: Pittsburgh, Cleveland and Buffalo.)
• And lastly, of course, running into the remaining friends and acquaintances I know there!

Goodbye Erie 🙁

My shin and foot are not very happy right now. I was attempting to break a board with a round kick in taekwondo yesterday (a board breaking kick I had done once successfully earlier in the week) but I wasn’t positioned correctly this time when I hit the board, as a result I banged my shin and foot resulting in some nice bruises. Needless to say, my confidence which was already somewhat uncertain taking on a new sport is now completely shaken.

Is it a coincidence that the life lesson for the months of March and April at Victory school happens to be ‘Belief?’ I don’t think so. I think life has a way of presenting things to you at times when you need them. And clearly I do need to believe in myself right now.

On thinking about my shaken confidence I realize that this feeling, the one opposite of belief, the one that says “Oh you can try and try and try but that’s not going to happen for you,” is one that I’m familiar with in my life. Many people are faced with their our own version(s) of this scenario in their lives. My biggest struggles over the last decade have been in dealing with infertility, and in more recent years, parenting a child who can be challenging at times. In dealing with these experiences, I know firsthand that sometimes you can try and try and believe that things will work out and despite your best efforts to make changes and succeed sometimes things don’t work out the way you expect. So I’m really struggling with the ‘Yes I can’ thing right now.

“Stinkin’ thinkin’!” I learned that phrase in taekwondo yesterday. Stinkin’ thinkin’ is when you have those thoughts that start making you believe you can’t do things. So what are you supposed to do when those thoughts come up? Respond with, “YES I CAN!” according to the Victory school instructor.

But what if you can’t? Let’s look again at those things that have shaken my confidence. Did I actually fail in either of the things I’ve been struggling with in regards to dealing with infertility and in trying to tame a challenging child?

I supposed I failed in having a baby the traditional way but did I fail in the final outcome, of having a child? No! Thanks to adoption and my son’s birthparents I have a beautiful, healthy and very strong willed/strong personality kid who has so many amazing and endearing qualities about him alongside his more challenging ones and I love him so much. But am I failing as a mother when my son is still sometimes quite defiant despite all efforts we’ve put into helping him manage his emotions? My logical side says “no,” since dealing with behavior issues is challenging and takes time and my son is still so young, but my emotional side at times feels like a failure.

I suppose this is where faith and/or belief MUST come into play. Can I choose to believe I can help my son deal with his emotions overtime? Can I choose to believe that I can break that board again in taekwondo without hurting my foot? I’d like to think yes on both accounts and that I’m a strong enough person to believe that things will work out in the end so long as I keep believing and trying, but I’d be lying if I said this isn’t a huge struggle for me.

As an adoptive parent I’m always keeping an eye out for children’s books that are out there which resonate with our own son’s adoption story. Because adoption stories can vary from each other tremendously there aren’t a lot out there that resonate with each family’s story. Until the other day I had only one children’s book on adoption on my bookshelf, which is a decent one, but again, because it gets specific in the details in the story of what happened on the night of that one particular adopted child’s birth, it doesn’t capture our story the way I would like. Keep in mind also that the type of adoption that took place (example: international vs. domestic vs. foster care) vary tremendously from each other. So finding a good children’s book for an adopted child is really no easy task.

With that said I’d like to give a shout out to a new children’s book sent to me by Blue Slip Media (to be released on April 25) called Wonderful You by Lauren McLaughlin. This story resonated with me because the focus of the book centers around the concept of an open adoption where a birthmother searches for and selects the parents for her unborn child.

The moment I opened up the cover of the book I was intrigued by the bright and vibrant colors. As an artist I appreciate good artwork and the illustrations by Meilo So are truly beautifully done. Each page is its own masterpiece.

The story begins with the introduction of the birthmother, ‘a lady in blue,’ who is looking all over the world for the parents for her unborn girl. A couple of pages in she spots the parents-to-be in which they exclaim, “Can it be? Is she looking for us? Is it finally time?” (At this point in the story I had tears welling up in my eyes remembering this defining moment for us and the intense longing that many adoptive parents feel in desperately wanting to love a child and start their own family but having to wait to be picked.) A page or two later the book touches on how carefully the birthmother was about being sure the home she was picking for her child was a good fit. “‘Will you love her,’ she asked, ‘every morning and night?’” (OK now I was a crying blubbering mess! What a beautiful way to exemplify the love a birthmother feels for her child.)

The story goes on for several pages with the girl growing into a toddler then a young child and the adoptive family is shown having lots of fun together doing various activities and living life together as a true family. Near the back of the book ‘a woman in blue’ shows up again on a faraway perch up in the sky watching over her child and her parents as they get ready for bed. The book ends with the adoptive family of three playing lovingly together.

I have read this book a half a dozen times now and I love it despite the fact that I can’t seem to get through it without shedding at least one tear. I’ve shared it just once so far with my son who seemed to enjoy it. His only comment throughout the book said in his sweet little voice was, “Don’t cry Mommy,” which he is used to saying whenever I tell him about the days surrounding his birth.

If your family was formed through an open adoption or if you are thinking of giving a gift to another adoptive family who went through an open adoption this book really is an absolute must. It may even be appropriate for families of international adoptions as well although birthmothers would likely be more mystical characters to the children vs. reality since the process is done so differently. Either way, this book is a nice addition for both children and adults in the adoption community.

Note: Although Blue Slip Media contacted me to consider reviewing this new book for them it was not at all an obligation and reviewing the book was purely voluntary on my part with no money exchanged. I am happy passing along adoption resources that help other adoptive families or bring them joy.

My husband and I have always been aware that sooner or later along our journey of raising an adopted child, statements and questions would arise from our son or from others that would sometimes be painful, hurtful or throw us for a loop. Like ‘Wild’ cards in the game of UNO, these statements usually tend to occur at moments when we least expect them. The first one I remember being on the receiving end of was an offhand comment from my sweet niece who asked an innocent question about “who my son’s ‘real Mom’ was.” Being a relatively new Mom at the time, I remember her comment really stung, but at the same time I knew to keep things in perspective and that there was no hurt intended from the comment but it was simply a 8-year-old trying to understand adoption and wanting to know more about her cousin’s birthmother.

Tonight, another one of these zingers got thrown at both my husband and I unexpectedly by our 5-year-old son just after we told him that he wasn’t going to get a snack after dinner. (In the game of delaying going to bed, the ‘Wanting a Snack’ card has been his most recent one that he has been playing nightly.) We are used to the typical counters coming from our son like: “You’re terrible parents,” and “I hate you both,” and even (Scott’s favorite) “You’re the cry makers!” But tonight his response to our denial was a new one, spewed out in a moment of rage… “You’re not the adoptive parents I was supposed to have!”

Now this is never a statement adoptive parents want to hear and in the past something like this would have surely cut deep and brought on an avalanche of tears. However, tonight I must have had my protective coat of armour on or perhaps I’m just secure enough in motherhood now to know that he really didn’t mean what he said because to my surprise, my reaction after hearing this statement for the first time didn’t involve pain or tears, but rather it was one of amusement and admiration. I actually smiled to myself when he said it and thought, “Wow! The angles our son is now taking to try to gain the upper hand in our game is actually quite astonishing. He actually played the ‘Adoption’ card for the first time!”

We know it’s normal for other kids to say all kind of mean things to their parents when they don’t get what they want and our kid is no exception. Except for the fact that he really, REALLY wants control, so much so that we needed to get help from a therapist to help us outsmart him since traditional methods of gaining the upper hand were not working for us. So, thanks to our training on dealing with our son’s outbursts, neither my husband nor I had a reaction to his comment other than the standard, calmly delivered response of, “Well I’m sorry you feel that way buddy but you’re still not getting a snack after dinner,” that my husband expertly delivered. Our son may have played a powerful card but we have the advantage of experience under our belts so we have learned to handle some blows.

In talking with my husband later, we wondered whether our son really knew the powerful card he was playing or if he just threw it out there to see what would happen. We both believe he was just trying to use anything he could to rile us up as many kids do, and that being the newest card in his hand he was likely just testing it out on us. But the thing that neither one of us could deny, and it amazed us both, was that somehow at just 5-years-old our son instinctively knew that the ‘Adoption’ card was a valid one and that it was a powerful one to play.

I found out yesterday that my website was nominated for Healthline’s “Best Health Blog Contest!” (Note: This is separate from being voted one of the “Best Adoptive Mom Blogs” of 2016.) I am more than honored for this as someone had to submit the nomination and it wasn’t me! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

My vision in creating and maintaining this site has always been to educate the world about open adoptions and to clear up the many misconceptions and fears that open adoptions often bring.

If you’ve found value in my site and you wish to put your vote in to support me and my vision here’s how you can vote:

1. Go to the Healthline “Best Health Blog Contest” page
2. Scroll to the bottom of the page to use the search box to locate “Karen’s Calling”
3. Enter your email address and click the “Vote” button. The screen will then turn gray – your VOTE HAS NOT BEEN COUNTED YET! You must scroll on that page until you find the “I’m not a robot” pop-up message somewhere on the page, and check the box.
4. You will be returned to the voting page. Click “Send A Confirmation Email.”
5. Follow the link in the email to approve your vote. This is important as VOTES ARE NOT COUNTED UNTIL THIS FINAL STEP IS COMPLETE.

Healthline allows everyone with a valid email address to repeat their vote every 24 hours so feel free to vote as many times as you’d like!

Thank you for your support!

“I want to meet my sister, and have deep dish pizza, and play in the snow.” These are the words we’ve been hearing from our five-year-old son recently.

“We can eat deep dish pizza here you know. And we could drive 4 hours to the mountains this winter to play in the snow,” we say, to which he replies, “No, we have to have deep dish pizza in Chicago” (apparently he saw a kids video about Chicago’s deep dish pizza,) “and when we go to Chicago we can play in the snow. There are tall buildings there – that’s what Mom says,” he says to his Dad. “And we can meet my sister when we are there.”

“We want these things too honey. We do,” we reply honestly. “We don’t know when we can meet her sweetie.” Inside we both wonder, does his sister even know he exists? Have her adoptive parents ever brought him up to her telling her that she has a brother? We have no clue. We know people have all different levels of comfort about what they want to share and what to not share with their own adoptive children. For us being as open and honest as possible about information that we know about his adoption is how we are choosing to raise our son. The people we surround ourselves with tend to share our viewpoints, or if they don’t agree with us at least they accept our choice as we do other people’s. As adoptive parents we knew that things would come up over time that would be complicated regarding our son’s adoption. Adoptions are messy and hard sometimes amongst the beauty and love that they contain.

The weird thing is that we hardly ever talked to our son about his sister in his five years of life. We introduced Catherine, his sister, to him when he was three by showing him a picture of her and briefly stating that she was adopted too, lived in Chicago and that she was his sister. (See “Introducing Catherine”) Since then we’ve only brought her up a handful of times, if that, just to remind him that he does indeed have a sister. So recently when he’s been expressing interest in meeting her it came as a surprise to us. Perhaps seeing all the kids with siblings at school has piqued his interest about his own sibling?

I believe the ‘not knowing’ aspect of this is the hardest part for me and for anyone that has faced any kind of adversity in their life especially for adoptive families who don’t know their child’s history or a birthparent who doesn’t hear a lot of information about their child. Because my husband and I are not in touch with the other adoptive family that is raising his sister, we have no answers for our son about her other than the little bits of information that has been shared with us over the years by his birthmother. We are very fortunate to be in touch with both my son’s birthparents. He knows them, has talked with them and has seen them several times. They are not at all missing pieces in my child’s life, which is beyond wonderful. The missing piece of the puzzle has always been our son’s older sister.

We had tried once to be in touch with Catherine’s adoptive parents years ago but for whatever reason (not known to us) it never happened. We dropped it, until now, when once again we are reaching out to them via our son’s birthmother. Perhaps this time they will be ready to connect with us? Or not? We don’t know.

Our hope is that eventually the two siblings (now ages 5 and 9) will form a relationship with each other. They can meet via Facetime or Skype or perhaps in person some day. How cool I envision that being for them! Our children are incredibly lucky to have a biological sibling when neither of our families alone could give them that.