Category: Adoption columns

By Birthmother – What is it like to see my children grow up with their adoptive parents?  I get this question a lot.

For me, getting information about my children is like getting a breath of fresh air.  When I see that my children are safe and loved and happy and normal, this information relieves a tension that I carry with me subconsciously no matter where I am or what I’m doing.  When I know my children are safe, I can breathe, fully, in and out, in a way I could not do if I was living every day in doubt.

I felt the tension most when I first gave my daughter away, just after she was born.  It was as if I had misplaced the most important item in the entire world and I couldn’t find it.  Do you know that lost, helpless feeling?  I’m not sure if I could have put it into words at the time.  I experienced it as an animal would, pacing and agitated, knowing something was missing but not knowing what or why or where.  I understand it now: I desperately needed to know how my daughter was doing, whether or not she was safe.  So when I saw pictures of her in the arms of her smiling parents, I knew everything was ok.  I knew that she wasn’t lost at all.  She was found.  She was loved.  She was ok.  And if she was doing ok, then I could be ok as well.  Those moments of relief were priceless.  I don’t know how I could have recovered from the pregnancy without knowing that my daughter was doing well.  The pain and fear has gotten less for me over time, but the relief and joy at seeing my smiling children has gotten more and more.

Hearing from the adoptive parents is like hearing from long lost friends.  It would have been impossible for me to choose an adoptive couple without caring for them in some way.  After all, I CHOSE them because I LIKED them.  so of course I enjoy hearing from them.  And going through the adoption process together is quite a bonding experience.   I learned about their struggles trying to have a child of their own.  I learned about their families, their interests, their health.  And they learned everything about me. That’s a lot of emotion and planning to share with someone!  So in addition to wanting to know how my children are doing, I want to know how the adoptive parents are doing.  What’s the latest news?  How are they feeling?  How are they coping with parenthood?

And I don’t ONLY want to hear the good stuff.  After all, I probably wouldn’t believe someone who told me that my children were perfect angels.  I can’t believe how many of my personality quirks got passed down to these children!  And would you believe any parent who told you they did everything PERFECTLY without any struggle at all?  Of course not!  It’s the struggles you endure that prove what an awesome family you are.  My son is allergic to peanuts.  No problem, his adoptive parents love him anyway.  My daughter’s parents got divorced.  No problem, both of these parents still love my daughter and they continue to care for her in every way that they can.

Some adoptive parents feel a certain guilt at showing their smiling child to their biomom, as if they should somehow hide the fact that their child can live happily without the biomom being there.  But I have no illusions that I could have been the smiling parent in those photos.  I don’t believe that if I’d kept my child I could have boasted the same happy, shining family.  I wouldn’t have needed adoption in the first place if I’d believed that I could be a happy parent!  I gave my daughter and son up for adoption because I wanted them to be in loving homes with parents who could provide for them in every possible way.  So when I hear from the adoptive parents it reassures me that I got exactly what I wanted for my children.

And when I see that my own life has gone on, that I am also doing ok and living well, I know that my choice was also the right choice for me.  It is a bittersweet reality that a mother and child can live without each other and still find perfectly happy lives, but that’s exactly the truth of the matter.  If adoption teaches us anything it’s that family is not built on genetics alone.  We can find a happy family anywhere we can find love.

That being said, an open adoption means that the biomom and child are never COMPLETELY without each other.  If a biomom needs to know that her child is ok, she can see it with her own eyes.  If a child needs to know what her biological parents look like, she can see them for herself.  Open adoption maintains that precious, frail connection between biological family members without jeopardizing the strength of the adoptive family.  I cherish that connection and hope that, in time, my children will find value in it as well.

By Birthmother – How do you choose the BEST parents for a child?  Imagine being faced with this task, browsing through profile after profile of responsible, caring people, all of whom are seeking children.  Where do you begin?  What do you look for?  What do you avoid?

Unless a biomom opts to give her child to an agency for closed adoption, this is an experience she will have to face for her child.  She will have to decide which adoptive parents are the best match for her and for her baby.  And every adoptive parent must endure the other side of this experience, putting their information out there in the hopes of catching a biomom’s attention.

When I started out as a biomom, this was one of the most exciting parts of open adoption.  How much FUN to look through all those profiles, all those different lives.  I loved seeing the creativity and caring that went into creating the profiles.  Each couple had unique strengths.  And when I saw a couple whose personalities seemed to mesh with my own, it was so gratifying, so exciting!  It gave me hope that my situation was not impossible and that my child would end up in the hands of someone awesome.

Adoptive parents, I cannot thank you all enough for putting yourselves out there.  If I hadn’t seen your smiling faces in those profiles I’m not sure that I could have endured my unplanned pregnancy.  Each and every one of you, even the parents I didn’t choose, reminded me WHY I was choosing adoption for my child.

So now I want to try giving something back to you all, you adoptive parents of the future, by sending guidance and encouragement for you as you make your own profiles.  Yes, the process feels a lot like a meat market, a lot like online dating or job hunting or auditioning.  And the process is COMPLETELY unfair: Why are YOU begging to be chosen while the bioparents got pregnancies they may not have asked for or deserved?  I have no answer for that one.

Plato, the Greek philosopher, believed that souls use their knowledge from past lives to CHOOSE which body they will be born into.  I told myself when I was pregnant that my baby had already CHOSEN the adoptive parents it would end up with – I just had to find them.  And I did.  But it would never have happened if my baby’s adoptive parents hadn’t been brave enough to put themselves out there.

First bit of advice: Be yourselves.  The goal of the open adoption process is to provide a comfortable match between biomom, baby, and adoptive parents.  How can a prospective biomom feel comfortable choosing you if she can’t sense who you really are?  A biomom is ultimately going to gravitate towards a couple who feels familiar to her, and you never know which random, personal detail is going to spark that connection.  Maybe you like watching Dancing with the Stars, which happens to be a certain biomom’s favorite show.  Maybe you took tuba lessons as a child and you find a biofather who played tuba in highschool.  Don’t neglect to mention the little things, the little bits of life that you have enjoyed and hope to share with your child now.

Second bit of advice: Be parents to yourselves first.  Is your household in order?  Have you been taking care of your own mind and body?  Now is the time to stop and take action if you’ve been neglecting yourself,  not only because a prospective biomom might be wary of unhealthy parents, but because you need to be your own best friend during this process.  You will need to stay emotionally and physically healthy during this process no matter how long it takes to find a child.  Remember this:  You deserve to be living a full and happy life whether you find a baby or not.

Third bit of advice: Don’t wait for a child to start practicing childcare.  If you’re fortunate enough to have nieces, nephews, cousins, or other young family members to spend time with, definitely take advantage of that.  If not, DON’T WORRY.  You don’t have to go as far as being a foster parent.  There are plenty of children around and plenty of parents who could use a babysitter!  Volunteer with Big Brothers & Big Sisters of America, volunteer to do childcare during church services or other local events.  Not only will this help biomoms to see how capable you are, it will give you the satisfaction of being part of a family or community (which is ultimately what parenthood is all about, right?).

Last bit of advice: Remember to take plenty of pictures.  As a biomom, I wanted to be able to imagine my little baby in a loving home.  Seeing pictures of that home, seeing pictures of the smiling adoptive parents, made a huge difference to me.  Some parents went so far as to take pictures of their nurseries, empty and ready for a child.  I can’t imagine how much bravery and hope it takes to prepare a nursery for a child you’ve never seen, but I will say that this was hugely attractive to me when I was looking at profiles.  Do anything you can to help a biomom visualize what her child’s life will be like with you.

By Birthmother – My choice to give my baby up for adoption was met with an abundance of positive feedback.  I get the impression that not everyone has this experience.  Maybe it depends on your upbringing.  I am an educated white woman from a middle class background; my friends and family mostly fall into the same category.  So at least in the population of people who surrounded me when I got pregnant there was an instant understanding of my choice to give my child up.  They had heard about adoption, not just the negative stereotypes but the full truth about it.  Incase you haven’t heard the truth about adoption, here it is.

A healthy, normal woman can choose NOT to be a mother.  This choice isn’t as rare as you might think!  Do you think that a woman must be poor or desperate to give up a child?  Do you think that a woman must be stupid to give up a child?  Do you think that a woman must be sick or addicted to drugs to give up a child?  I know these assumptions exist, but they are simply WRONG.  Rich women can choose not to be mothers.  Old women can choose not to be mothers.  Married women can choose not to be mothers.

A woman may have hundreds or THOUSANDS of reasons for her decision not to raise a child.  A woman’s reasons may be a permanent part of who she is.  I decided at a very young age that I did not want to be a mother, and for the most part my reasons are still the same.  I know many women who feel the same way.  There are so many of us now, in fact, that there is a phrase for us.  We are “childless by choice.”  Look it up on Google.  You won’t believe how many of us there are out there!  We are happy without children, but this does not mean that we have never been faced with an unplanned pregnancy.  Birth control is not perfect.  Life is not perfect.

Most often, a woman’s reasons for choosing adoption are very temporary.  Even a healthy woman who hopes to be a mother SOMEDAY may find herself in a bad situation NOW.  Pregnancy does not wait for a good situation to come along!   The fact that a woman hopes to be ready for motherhood in 10 years does no good for a baby who is coming into the world today.

So in a single specific moment a woman may find herself with a list of reasons why her child needs to be placed in another home.  These reasons are HER reasons, and there is no guarantee that anyone else will understand or approve of them.  In fact, I realized very early on that someone would disapprove of my unplanned pregnancy no matter what decision I made.  But I also realized that the opinions of others were not relevant to what would be going on in MY household with MY child.  If a child is brought into a home where it is not supported, it won’t matter how many people on the outside gave their precious approval!  The approval of others does not automatically create a good situation for a baby.  The approval of others is not enough to make a woman ready to be a mother.

The sad truth is: people who are very ready for a baby might be stuck without a child while unplanned or unwanted pregnancies pop up all over the world.  But do you see how this doesn’t need to be a SAD truth?  Women who choose adoption can balance the scales.  And guess what!  This choice doesn’t mean that a child has been “abandoned.”  Quite the opposite: adoption means that a child has been placed in a loving home with people who HAVE chosen to be parents.

By Birthmother – Passing on my genes

One of the blessings of choosing open adoption is that I get to see and hear some of the details about my children as they grow. Each year I take a look at the latest set of pictures and marvel at the newest changes in their features or their personalities. What still surprises me, though, is when I look at the pictures and see a little piece of me shining through. This family resemblance is something that many adoptive parents envy – they wish they could see their own genes passed on to another generation.

Ironically, one of the reasons my spouse and I didn’t want children was the fear of our genetic background. True, we don’t have any major genetic diseases, but no one’s heritage is perfect. Our ancestors had their share of alcoholism, mental illness, heart disease, etc… and we certainly have our own struggles with that they’ve passed down to us. Frankly, we don’t like ourselves very much, so why would we ever want to reproduce?!?

When we did get pregnant, we carefully selected adoptive parents with healthy lifestyles in the hopes that positive nurturing would outweigh any genetic factors we might pass on. In my mind, nurture was so much stronger than nature. How could a child raised thousands of miles away, a child who I would only meet a mere handful of times, bear any resemblance to me?

Well, one way or another, those resemblances do shine through and no one will let you forget it. It starts as soon as the baby is born. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, who sees the baby becomes an amature geneticist. “Isn’t that your nose?” “Isn’t he the spitting image of your uncle Don?” If a particular trait cannot be categorized or easily referenced, people are so discomforted! For instance, my daughter has blonde hair. I do not have blonde hair. The biological father does not have blonde hair. Unthinkable! Even if I mention that my mom’s hair was blonde when she was young, people look at me as if major trouble must be brewing. They want to account for every feature on the child’s face, every personality quirk, and every disease.

As I watch my children grow and learn about the imperfections they’ve inherited I find myself experiencing incredible guilt. When I see how tall my daughter is I remember being the tallest person in my grade school, always sticking out, and I remember the frustration of having enormous feet that match my height. I was devastated when I learned that my son has an extreme peanut allergy; I know his allergies must have come from my side of the family. Or, worse, what if something I ate (or didn’t eat) when I was pregnant triggered these allergies? Did I eat too many peanuts? Not enough? The responsibility of having so much influence on another person’s development is terrifying. Yes, there can be pleasant moments (seeing that my son has my soft brown eyes, hearing that my daughter has my affinity for speaking intelligently and empathetically to new people). I hope that, in time, I will focus more on the positive traits and be less terrified of the negative.

I try to keep in mind that every gene is easy to see when looking at young children – nurture hasn’t had time to make an impression upon nature yet. Staring at a baby is like staring at raw genetic material. As my children grow the days and hours and years spent with the adoptive family will make my genetic contribution seem less pronounced. I can’t wait to see the personalities and habits of the adoptive parents imprinting themselves upon the canvas of genetic code. Will my son learn the hands-on skills of his adoptive father? Will my daughter catch some of her adoptive father’s flare for off-color humor? I love the fact that every single person who contributes to the lives of these children has a chance of manifesting in their habits and personalities.

Every person who influences our lives becomes a part of us forever. This is especially true of every single person who shows us love.

The adopted individuals I’ve known were often difficult to identify as being adopted, so great was their resemblance to their adoptive parents. They shared hobbies, quirks, physical features, and a million other smaller details that no gene could ever account for. Their family bond was so strong, I would never have thought to question their origins.

Maybe where we start from isn’t as important as where we end up.

By Birthmother – Pictures on the fridge: Benefits of open adoption

Adoption isn’t what it used to be.  I always had the impression that adoption was a simple formula: a distressed biomom hands her baby away to a social worker, never to see or hear from the child again.  And in this formula, when the adopted child eventually grows up and starts asking, “Where do I come from?” she must become an amature investigator, digging through scraps of information on a daunting quest to find the mysterious disappearing biomom.

It shouldn’t be a surprise to learn that this was NOT a successful formula.  Can you imagine going through your life with so many unanswered questions?

I’m happy to inform you that society has evolved and has created safer, healthier ways to build an adoptive family.  Adoption today is whatever you and your adoptive parents decide it will be.  The options for building an adoption contract are as diverse as the individuals seeking adoption, and I can tell you: this is a very diverse group!  You may choose a closed adoption, where the biological family stays entirely out of the picture.  Or you may choose something completely open, where the biological family and adoptive family interact, exchanging letters and pictures, or even seeing each other in person.

For a biomom, open adoption means watching your child grow even as you know he/she is not your child any longer.  The best comparison I can make is following your favorite celebrity on TV; it’s as if my children are TV superstars and I can’t WAIT to see the next episode.  I feel a fascination with my children even though I’ve only met them once or twice, only seen a glimmer of who they really are.   And I am always curious to learn more.  What is their everyday life like?  What are their favorite things?  I see that my daughter was in a dance recital and of course I wish I could see her dance.  I learn that my son is speaking his first words and I wish I could hear them.  I hear that my daughter enjoys learning about science and wish I could join in one of her mini “experiments.”

Even in an open adoption, being a biomom means never being a full part of your child’s life.  I will always be on the outside looking in.  I will not get to see every laugh, every tear, every accomplishment.  People ask me if this is painful.  Sometimes it is.  Of course it is.  It may always be painful for me to be reminded of what I chose to give up.

BUT, seeing my children and their adoptive families also reminds me why I chose adoption in the first place.  I see the adoptive parents blossoming and smiling as they experience the family they always dreamed of.  I see that my children are in homes filled with love.  I see my children surrounded by opportunity and support that I could never have provided them.  I wouldn’t trade these glimpses of family for anything – they are the moments where I am assured that I made the right choice.

What is the opposite situation, in a closed adoption?  Not knowing anything?  In a closed adoption you could hope that your child was thriving… but you wouldn’t know!  You could imagine what your child looked like, but you wouldn’t see her with your own eyes.  My own curiosity would never permit me to survive in a situation like that.  It’s the difference between missing someone you care about and losing them completely.

What’s best for a biomom might vary depending on her personality and her situation.  But here’s my bottom line: open adoption is for the child’s benefit.  I chose open adoption because I don’t want my children to walk around with the nagging questions of “Where did I come from?  Where are my biological parents?  Why did they give me up?”  When my children have these questions I want them to know exactly where to go for answers.  I spoke once with a woman who had been raised by an adoptive family, in a situation where her biomom was not known to her.  She explained how much it would have meant to her to hear anything from her biological family.  She always wondered if her biomom was thinking about her, if her biomom remembered her at all.

I want my children to know that I think of them every day and that I will always miss them.

By Birthmother – It’s not often that you have a clear opportunity to do something GOOD.  By GOOD I mean life-affirming, joy-inducing, compassionate, and challenging. When I got pregnant for the first time, unexpectedly, I realized that I had been given such an opportunity.

I wasn’t ready to be a parent.  I had NEVER wanted to be anyone’s parent.  And certainly no one wants to become a parent when they aren’t financially ready to take care of another person.  My husband felt the same way.  So we could have been overwhelmed by the obligation that had just landed in front of us.  Instead, we recognized how many men and women were waiting out there, filled with hope that they could bring life into the world.  We recognized that our baby could be meant for one of these hopeful couples.  What seemed like a fluke occurrence could be a match made in heaven.

A friend of mine once told me his feelings about choosing to be a parent.  He said that becoming a parent is a bold statement of your true feelings about life.  When you have a child, he said, you are telling the world that you LOVE life, you love life enough to share it with another human being.  You have enough hope or optimism to willingly bring an innocent new person into this uncertain world.

I can’t say that I’ve ever felt so strongly positive about life.  Perhaps that’s one of the reasons I’ve never wanted to be a parent!  But once a life is growing inside you, you may find that your feelings about life are changed, or that they grow more strongly in one direction or the other.  I remember sitting in bed on the day the doctor confirmed I was pregnant, taking in the reality of it.  I was 25 years old and newly married.  I had JUST finished college with a Master’s degree.  I had not planned to be pregnant.  In fact, I had taken birth control pills every single morning since the age of 18.  Pregnancy was the furthest thing from my mind.  By the time I found out I was pregnant I was already MANY weeks along.  I hadn’t behaved like a pregnant woman in those weeks.  The winter Holidays had just finished, complete with drinking and smoking.  But the doctor had done an ultrasound right away –  he confirmed the baby was healthy, with a strong heartbeat.

So as I sat there in bed, the STRENGTH of the life inside me impressed me more than I can explain.  How could this tiny bunch of cells be so tenacious as to survive the first trimester of life without any help from me?  “Wait,” I thought, “This bunch of cells IS receiving help from me!  I may not be expending conscious effort, but my proteins and my fluids are sustaining this life. My body has been growing this baby!”

I suddenly felt how much effort my body was expending without my knowledge.  A great process of life had started into motion without me knowing.

And you know what they say: A body in motion tends to stay in motion.  If I had closed my eyes and pretended that I wasn’t pregnant, if I had gone on with life as though nothing had happened, the process would have remained in motion anyway.   Once those little cells come together and start multiplying, BAM!  The pattern had begun and hose cells were going to KEEP multiplying unless something stopped them.   My body was in the midst of a natural state of development, following it’s own basic design for sustaining an embryo.  Life is programmed, genetically, to persist.  Sometimes our life systems malfunction, sometimes fatally, but the overall pattern is to SURVIVE.  When the system is working properly it takes incredible force and difficulty to stop it.

And so I chose not to stand in the way of what my body was doing.  I chose to let those cells grow.  I chose to let my baby find the hopeful, compassionate couple who would could give it all the love it would ever need.  My situation wasn’t perfect, but I refused to believe that nothing good could come out of it.

I definitely had fears about what would happen next.  Would the biological father support me through the adoption process?  What would our parents say?  What would our friends and family say?  What if the pregnancy was hard, or if the delivery was painful?  What if the child hated me for giving it up?

All I can say is this: Life isn’t perfect.  And no matter what you do, your child’s life will not be perfect.  The reality is that you will be questioned and judged no matter what decision you make about a pregnancy.  Someone will always be there to doubt you or tell you you did the wrong thing.  And you will face difficulty and trials no matter which way you turn.

But does that mean you should give up?  Does that mean life isn’t worth sharing?  I’m not going to answer that question for you.  But I can assure you of this: There will be people there to support you no matter what you choose, there WILL be people who understand what you’ve gone through.  For each reason you find to doubt yourself, you can find an equally good reason to appreciate the choice you make.  Once the clouds clear the sun will shine in and you will see the beauty of life again.